


Silent words

by ampossible013



Category: ONE OK ROCK, coldrain - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ampossible013/pseuds/ampossible013
Summary: I love you but I cannot be with you forever.





	1. Whole

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> So I was having this crazy idea of doing an angst, it's a genre that I really like alongside fluff. I did wrote some angsty stories before but this will be my first time writing something so delicate, into the feelings of both characters.

_Knew that this would happen right from the start_

_Day by day the distance tears us apart_

_Sitting with this useless phone in my hand_

_It's harder cause I know that you understand_

 

December 13, Tokyo, Japan.

 

Winter has long approached, and it reminds Taka again that he's scared of cold. Already wearing his hoodie, sweat pants and socks; the heater already on to full power, it seemed to be no avail to let him get rid of the cold. He huddled under his duvet, staring at the window, raindrops pattered against the window pane. That's the cold, rainy season again.

 

His iPhone on his hand. Even though he is always checking his social media accounts, he has long lost his mood to do so. Because his mind is now occupied by one thing, _one person_.

 

He tapped a selfie with this person that he posted a while ago. He was leaning on that person, resting his head on that person's shoulder, smiling blissfully; while that person's one arm was wrapped around his shoulder. They were both wearing identical leather jackets with the same white shirt in it, in fact at that day they were also wearing the same black-coloured jeans and black sneakers.

 

 

_My guitarist._

 

 

________________________

 

 

_"This will be my first and last time posting a selfie of me and him. I know people has been feeling very strange about our relation, in front of the camera we seem like we are close friends but we never posted a selfie of us together. Indeed we are very close friends, but a few years ago our relation has been more than that._

 

_I apologize if anyone is going to freak out seeing this, but I couldn't hold this any longer. Who knows this will become such an emotional rollercoaster for me. With him, I was very happy, very blessed, very loved; but now, all I feel is pain._

 

_Yes, we dated for 2 years; yes, we were together; and yes, not anymore._

 

_I am aware that people around me has been speculating, including people that knows me personally, they have been asking if him and I are together. I know we have been trying to hide it from the public, but sometimes our actions took over - the stares, the interaction onstage, the way we talk to each other. It has been a long time since I realized the change, but it took me a while to realize that this is at another level than just close friends._

 

_So we then decided to go out together, to see how it goes. In the end we realized we liked each other a lot, we had the same feelings towards each other, that was how the flower blossomed._

 

_I don't think I will say that we are both too young, we were already in our 20s when we went out together. But my mentality was too young and too weak to take up this challenge. I became too dependent on him but at the same time I took him for granted. My temper was really bad recently and I found myself shouting at him all the time. I know he had did a good job in tolerating me but I guess everyone has a limit, and he had way surpassed that limit a long time ago…_

 

_I was tired, he was tired too…_

 

_That was how we came to this decision._

 

_But that doesn't mean that I have no feelings for him anymore. In fact, pain is all I feel, it hurts. The feeling is worst than dying._

 

_I really don't know how I manage to get over all these, and still got the energy to write this. I'll try to hang on, and I'll try to move on._

 

_Love can never wipe away the close bond between us, we might not be a couple anymore, but we'll still be best friends, we will still be making a lot of songs together for you guys to listen. ONE OK ROCK will not disband just because of this, we'll continue to work hard and bring the best for you guys._

 

_Just give me some time, and I'm sure everything is going to be fine."_

 

 

_________________________

 

That post was bombarded by comments, quite a number of them from his close friends, but a huge number of them from his fans, expressing their despair and questioning why such a decision has to be made. There were also many fans asking if they will get back together again, knowing that they shared a very close bond as best friends.

 

Taka did read through some of the comments, but Toru's comment under his post shattered his heart.

 

_"Sorry, but me and Taka are never going to get back together again."_

 

As expected.

 

He can always remember the rage in Toru's voice and facial expression when Toru found out that he had posted about their relationship in Instagram. Not that it's taboo to do so but Toru doesn't like the idea of sharing his private life in social media, let alongside letting his fans know who is he going out with. While he is on the complete opposite, he wants to make their relationship public, despite homosexual relationships not being recognized in Japan, but _who cares?_ The most important thing is that he is happy with Toru. 

 

No one's compromising. No one's willing to take a step back.

 

Their already broken relationship is now shattered beyond repair.

 

Toru was angry at him. Most likely, Toru is still angry at him - for being too emotional, writing long paragraphs in Instagram, exposing the ugly side of their relationship. Toru was clearly not happy at Taka's action. He is worried about their reputation, because none of their fans will know that he and Taka were together if Taka refrained himself from posting anything about his personal relationship.

 

 

 

_I know that you've been lying, acting alright_

_Cause something's always wrong when we never fight_

_The anger turns to silence, and silence turns to hate_

_So say what's on your mind now, before it's too late_

 

 

It has been a while since this happened. Taka was hurting. He knew sometimes it's less painful to let go than to hold on. But this time it's a different case, cause either way it hurts as bad.

 

He knows letting go will be for their own good, cause he was aware that their relationship has been starting to form cracks since a few months ago. They were working very hard trying to get to the top again because competition in the music industry has been getting tougher and tougher. All the afford being put into their music, creating songs after songs, they sacrificed so much, including their relationship.

 

If you think that being a musician is easy, think again.

 

Promoting albums, making songs, meeting producers, their tours are getting longer to reach more fans in more countries. They were even trying to release two albums a year, one in English and one in Japanese - as one of their juniors has been doing and it turns up fairly successful. Hungry for more success, to reach greater heights, they forgot that sometimes taking a break can prepare them to go further. Therefore their energy came depleting, more and more disagreements occured between the two main songwriters, gradually they got emotions involved. Taka was angry, Toru was angry. It seemed that everything was beyond control, disaster did not happen within a day's time.

 

Their relationship has been stormy for a while, and was pushed to the brink when both sides finally exploded. A huge fight broke out.

 

They avoided talking to each other for a week, both sides waiting it up, perhaps trying to calm themselves down. But Taka knows, nothing better will happen even when they both started talking to each other again.

 

And he was right. 

 

 

_And even if I make this call_

_The pain won't go away_

_But maybe if I let you know_

_You make me stronger_

_Could you hold on for me?_

 

He has been staring at his phone for the more than the 100th time today. In fact, he has been doing it every day - staring his phone seem to be a daily routine.

 

Not checking his social media accounts, not updating his Instagram, but thinking of someone.

 

Perhaps at the back of his mind, he still wants to talk to him. His suddenly feels that a part of him is missing, he has that odd feeling in him and that feeling is way more than loneliness.

 

The only way to make up for the gap between them - if he wants to - is to talk to him. He has been talking to a few of his close friends, including his brothers, and they all gave this answer - talk to him, apologize first, tell him how you are feeling, then let him tell you how he is feeling.

 

Easier said than done.

 

Sometimes he wonders if they are just trying to get away with it, that they never want to know a single drop about the sad story between him and his ex boyfriend.

 

He wants to talk to him, so badly. But everytime he tries to call him or send him a text message, he retracts, unconsciously finding any possible excuses to not press the dial or send button. One of the reasons is that he knows he will break down his tears once Toru answers the phone, and he won't want to let him see or hear him crying. The strongest reason is that he knows that Toru won't answer the phone.

 

Why it's so difficult? Why it's so complicated? Since when does fears started dominating him?

 

Does it mean that you haven't let go if you fear facing him or talking to him?

 

_I guess so._

 

 

________________________

 

 

 _"If you love this person, do love him with all of your heart and soul; If you no longer love this person, please let him go and let somebody else love him. Pointless holding on if you've grown out of love; When the time is up, it's time to let go."_ (Toru's Instagram post)

 

 

 

_Every day it's like we start all over_

_Missing pieces of an aching soul_

_But I don't ever want to say it's over_

 

 

Pain, pain, and more pain.

 

No words can describe how is he feeling regarding the whole incident. Breaking up with Toru is the last thing that he will ever want to do. No matter how many times he is asking himself to move on from this heartbreak, he knows, that at the back of his mind he is waiting for the day where they finally make up and get together.

 

_Sometimes it's less painful to let go than to hold on, but I'd rather hold on, despite knowing how much more painful it will be._

 

Sounds stupid having this kind of thought, but when you love someone so deeply, you will realize that the worst thing that can happen to you is to separate with that person. Despite the countless fights and misunderstandings they had in the past, including the one that broke out after Taka posted the heartfelt photo and caption in Instagram, he still loves Toru and is willing to be back with him no matter how painful it will be. It's contravening and weird, but this proves that love really hurts sometimes.

 

Toru has been his most important person ever since he came in to his life. He protects Taka like a brother, loves him like a mother, supports and helps him like how a best friend does. As years goes by, he became irreplaceable. No other person is going to change him the same way as Toru did.

 

And leaving him will leave a huge crater in his heart, even if Toru doesn't want him back anymore.

 

_Cause you are the only one that makes me Whole._


	2. Miss you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please don't cry, it's my fault.

"Babyyy~~" A familiar voice woke him up from his sleep. This person has such a beautiful mesmerizing voice that makes his heart melt whenever he hears it. He probably does not have the best voice in the world, but to him, his voice is his absolute best.

 

He opened his eyes, turned his head sideways to look at this precious human being right beside him, leaning on him as if his shoulder is a pillow.

 

"Yes? What's wrong?"

 

"I'm cold~~ Can you hug me? ~" Not even waiting for Toru to answer, he inched closer to Toru, about to throw his arms on Toru right when he says 'yes'.

 

"That's because you are not wearing your hoodie…" Toru lamented, but nevertheless he pulled him into an embrace, hugging his torso, protecting him from the cold.

 

"Thank you baby~" he planted a quick kiss on Toru's lips…

 

 

 

 

_____________________

 

 

 

_I'm lying here on a bed_

_My eyes are closed but I'm awake_

_I wish this dream would never end_

_You'd still be next to me_

 

 

Toru opened his eyes, staring at the blank ceiling of his room. He then turned his head sideways, there's no one sleeping beside him.

 

"The hell, why I'm always waking up at such an awful time…?" he groaned, slapping a hand towards his face.

 

Toru has lost count how many times he has dreamt of that, to the point it's starting to get very disturbing. He is no longer with Taka, in fact he was the one who wanted to break up with him, but seemed like he wasn't unable to taste the feeling of relieve and freedom after walking out of Taka's life. He has been not sleeping well, dreaming of Taka every night, waking up right at the moment when Taka kissed him in his dream.

 

 _He didn't know he misses Taka so much._  

 

He wishes he never wakes up, cause he realized how dreams are always much more beautiful than reality…

 

 

_I thought this would be easier_

_I'd do my thing and this would work_

_But now I'm here trying to find a song_

_To make this emptiness disappear_

 

 

How all these happened? Until he finally calmed himself down and start thinking things through, he realized how immature and unreasonable he was regarding his relationship with Taka. He was aware that everyone was tired because of working non-stop, especially Taka who has been writing and arranging songs with him. However he seemed to forget that Taka also needs some rest despite how energetic he is; he forgot that his energy level was getting low and he really needs to stop crashing against the problems they are facing, because rage and impulse are not going to solve anything.

 

He seemed to be unconsciously taking Taka for granted, including shouting at him or talking to him at a rude manner, whilst he never talked to his other two members Tomoya and Ryota in such way no matter how tired he is because he knows that he will be in big trouble if either Tomoya or Ryota really gets angry at his attitude. But as the saying goes "We tend to show our worst temper in front of the person that is the closest to us", Taka unfortunately became his punchbag as he attempts to throw away his negative emotions. He found himself no longer feeling apologetic towards Taka whenever he shouts at him, perhaps he unconsciously thinks that Taka will always forgive him no matter how, because Taka loves him.

 

It seemed to be the case, while Taka, on the other hand, is also getting worse.

 

It might be because of tiredness which led to easier frustration, Taka was unable to control his emotions very well, while Toru himself started getting very petty over small matters, oversensitive can be the right word. He couldn't stand Taka raising his voice at him, even when Taka doesn't really mean it, he still needs to give him a good scolding to remind him how terrible he is as a person.

 

"I'm tired of your shits! I don't want to deal with it anymore! You have so many many flaws! I have been tolerating you for so long - 2 FUCKING YEARS! Or more than that?! You are always thinking that I'm patient enough to see you throwing your temper!? NO!! You are so wrong! I'm no longer tolerating you! I've had enough with your shitface!"

 

That was the last thing he said that night in the studio before he stormed out of the building and went home without even caring about Taka.

 

Then the next day, they both decided to separate.

 

As said above it was Toru's decision, but Taka accepted it at that time. Still angry from the fight a night before, no one was willing to take a step back. They were both eager to win the argument, none of them wanting to apologize and make up - cause they were tired of doing so all the time when they were in a relationship.

 

That was how their relationship ended.

 

But Toru was unhappy despite having getting rid of Taka who has been driving him crazy the past few months.

 

 

_When all it is, is I miss you_

 

 

_As days go by nights go long_

_You'd think I'd find a better song_

_But I'm still here trying to find a way_

_To make this emptiness disappear_

_But it still won't disappear_

 

 

After breaking up with each other, Toru hasn't been seeing Taka. Things went worse after Taka posted a selfie of them in Instagram, writing a longass paragraph of their sad breakup story. Toru has not calmed down from their argument, hence he was raged when he saw Taka's post. The next day when the members were all in the studio, he cornered Taka and confronted him for not protecting their privacy and personal relationship. Taka argued back that he can post anything in his Instagram account because that account is only his and it's personal. The already heated atmosphere between them became even more heated, both men failed to control their anger and emotions. Everything was pushed to the brink when Toru suddenly became physical, he slapped Taka hard on the face and just when he realized what he had just done, Taka was already packing his stuffs and leaving the studio, crying.

 

Of course the loud noises in the studio weren't unnoticed, their manager got into the studio and got to witness the aftermath of the chaotic situation. He was aware of the vocalist and guitarist breaking up with each other but everything was too much. Letting their personal problems and emotions take over their work is definitely a no-no for musicians. Of course they are free to express themselves through their music, but not to the point that they got distracted from their work.

 

Gocchan sent everyone home that day, including Tomoya and Ryota who were innocent in this situation. He then released a press statement, stating that ONE OK ROCK will be taking a break from their touring and music-making due to their personal problems. It was humiliating to the public, of course, for what has happened to them. How can something so normal can be escalated to this serious.

 

Toru, on the other hand, was guilty for what he had done to Taka. He couldn't understand how his anger managed to take over his rationality. Hitting Taka on the face is something that he will never ever do to him, especially after seeing Taka's crying face when he left the building that day, he knew he had did something that perhaps cannot be saved no matter how.

 

He went back home, turned on his phone, Taka's smiling face beside his was seen on the screen in front of him. They were in Australia when that photo was taken. To spend their dayoff they decided to go to the beach, just the two of them. They were brave enough to swim in the cold sea water, despite Taka screaming countless times "Baby! It's cold!" After getting tired of swimming they both dried themselves up and sat on the beach while huddling onto each other under the thick and long beach towel.

 

That was the moment where they decided to take a selfie.

 

Water droplets started to wet his phone screen. _Is it because the ceiling is leaking?_ He looked upwards to check for any leakage but it was fine. He then looked down, and realized those water droplets are actually his own tears.

 

Funny that he was the one who replied a fan's comment saying that he and Taka are never getting back together, but also the one who teared up right away after seeing their photo together that brought back so many memories of them together.

 

It has been 4 months and that selfie of them is still set as Toru's phone home screen.

 

 

_Cause everywhere I go you're always in my mind_

_But I just wish you wouldn't call me tonight_

_Cause when I hear your voice it reminds me of the choice_

_I made to not always be by your side_

 

_And every time you cry you keep the pain inside_

_You lie for me with "everything's alright"_

 

_Now it's hard to say_

 

He won't want to admit it, he wishes he really feels that way without having to lie to himself.

_It's always hard to say_

 

But it's almost impossible doing so, because the feeling in him is slowly taking over. Instead of feeling relieved and happy after separating with Taka, he was feeling the complete opposite. He kept trying to move on, to forget about Taka, and to quickly find another person to love, but it looks like no one in the world is able to replace Taka…

 

He knows Taka is mad at him, and won't want to do anything with him anymore. But he just couldn't hold on his feelings any longer…

 

 

_I miss you…_

 

 

 

_______________________

 

It was another lonely day for Toru, staying at home watching Walking Dead in Netflix while having pizza.

 

When the movie was still playing, Toru's phone rang. He paused the movie and picked up the phone without even looking at the caller ID. "Hello?"

 

"Toru…"

 

_That familiar voice._

 

"Hey, how's everything going?"

 

 

_"… I miss you…"_


	3. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For years you've been the forefront of my mind  
> I have felt relief, ended the curse  
> So take me away...  
> For the last time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to end this story at Chapter 2, but the thought of writing an epilogue really bothers me. So I decided to write one! 
> 
> Here's a rant, you can choose to skip it if you want to:  
> So I've started writing fanfics since January this year, I started off my creating an account in Wattpad while waiting for my account invitation in A03. My very first fanfic is 'My Angel'. The response in Wattpad was okay, I've gained some followers and saw gradually more people starting to comment in my story. It was almost 2 weeks later after my Wattpad debut when I started posting in A03, kind of expecting the same response in Wattpad. Unfortunately life really has to let you down sometimes, the response was very cold, close to being unnoticed (in fact I think that I'm really being unnoticed). I was quite disappointed because I posted the same story in both Wattpad and A03 but how can the response be so different, but I told myself that I was just starting and surely I will be able to gain more readers in the future. With that thought I continued to write more fanfics when I'm free.
> 
> Then now it's almost the 6th month since I started posting works, and the response was still cold, I was still being unnoticed. I tried to post more stories as I can manage to hopefully gain some more readers but seemed like all my effort was to no avail. I'm not really an attention-seeker but I get really disappointed when I see some new writers gain popularity, views and kudos in such a short time while I am here since JANUARY but still got almost no kudos and no comments for most of my works. I tried to tell myself not to get too dependent on the readers' reaction for reassurance, but as this situation continues I started to question myself: What's wrong with my story? Is it not good enough compared to the other writers? I accept that I'm not good enough, cause I know I'm so less capable when it comes to writing stories. However this situation is making me so so so disappointed and demotivated to write more stories, knowing that no one will read and comment under it no matter how much effort I'm putting on it. 
> 
> And now I'm facing the same situation in Wattpad, I'm really not sure if doing this is still worth it.
> 
> Some writers can get recognition by just posting one or two works (I'm not directing it to anyone), while I'm now writing nearly every day but in the end still got nothing - no comments, no kudos, and my story just got squeezed to the bottom of my bookmark by other writers' works. 
> 
> I can reassure you that I will still continue to write, but please don't be surprised if one day I choose to give up. Well, I know even when I stop posting no one will notice that I've disappeared, right? ;)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this (if you chose to read them). I apologize if I offended anyone. I admit that I was not controlling my emotions really well, but I just need to let this out cause it has been bothering me for a while.
> 
> Cheers and feel free to continue with the story! 
> 
> \- Kay

(Taka's Instagram post, 7th December 2023)

_"Happy birthday to my most important person! This month marks our 10th year together as a couple! Surely time flies, but what's more better to grow old together with the person you love the most by your side?_

 

_Because this is his birthday please allow me to be personal in this post. Toru, you won't imagine how much you mean to me - I know I have been saying this again and again that you have get bored of it - Sometimes I just feel like you are the most ridiculous and cold-hearted person on earth; sometimes I get really mad at you for making a mess in our house; sometimes I feel that you are the most boring person in the world, but most of the times out of those 'sometimes', you are my best boyfriend and no one else in the universe can replace you._

 

_We've went through so much together, I can't say that our relationship is a smooth one despite us already knew each other for years before we started dating. I can't remember how many times we fought with each other and had cold wars for days. Not to mentioned that we actually broke up once, I was so sad at that time, I knew that was both of our decision to take a break from each other with no intention of getting back together. But I have to say that time was one of the toughest in my life. You won't be able to imagine how much I've cried thinking of you and the memories we had. After we broke up I had a surge of ending my life, and that was when you came back and I'm glad I didn't do anything foolish so that I can see you again._

 

_We spent such a long time that day talking things through, but most of the time we were just hugging each other crying our eyes out. We then took a complete day off the next day, staying on bed the whole day doing nothing except cuddling each other, falling asleep so many times. I think that was the day where we grew so much more closer to each other. In fact, after the breakup we learned that we can't live without being in each other's side. I realized how important you are to me - more than a best friend, more than a family, more than a lover, more than all three of them combined - and that was when we learned to cherish each other, fighting hard to not lose each other again._

 

_After we got back together from our breakup, our relationship became much more stronger and stable. We now rarely fight, even if we do it doesn't last any longer than 2 hours because we know we love each other and we will always get back to each other's side._

 

_I'm so emotional now realizing that I've went through all the ups and downs with you. It is definitely not a smooth journey for us because first of all we are both men and such a relationship is still taboo in most societies. I'm sure we both had the thought of giving up our relationship before - not once but multiple times - but I'm glad we made it together. Love triumphs all of the obstacles we are facing. With you by my side, I can never feel more safer._

 

_You accept all my flaws and imperfections, and love me as who I am. I know you are the kind of person that is unable to feel love and affection towards someone, and I'm glad to be the first and only person that makes you feel so strongly towards. Thank you so much for tolerating my bad temper and feisty character. You never asked me to change but I eventually did, and it was you who realized that my temper has gotten better. I guess love changes a person…_

 

_I guess this is the longest ever birthday post that I've written for you. I really wish that you can feel how I'm feeling right now. I know it's common for couples to grow out of each other after being together for some time, and we did went through that, but the breakup changes everything and makes me fall in love with you again and again. I never love harder in my life. Please be the only person that can let me do that._

 

_Here's to another 10, 20, 30 years together. I can't promise you that I will be your best boyfriend but I can promise you forever, okay?_

 

_I love you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess we are all waiting for the day for this to come true right? ;)   
> I apologize again for the rant above.


End file.
